← CHRONICLES
FIELD UNIT FOR BIZARRE AND UNUSUAL REPORTS
THE EVIDENCE BOARD
DR. GOODBARREL’S FILES · EXPANDABLE INVESTIGATION ARCHIVE
Initial Intake · Before Brambleton
Case 001 · Brambleton
Case 002 · Riverside
Internal Evaluation 001 · Team Building
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75%
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Fit Board
⌖ HQ
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PROPERTY OF INTERNAL REVIEW
F.U.B.A.R.
AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY
WHO APPROVED THIS UNIT?
INTERNAL EVALUATION 001 · COMPLETE
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FACILITY / ACTIVE
F.U.B.A.R. Headquarters
VIEW RECORD ↗
SITE 001
SUPERVISOR / PERSONNEL
Henry Dumbledorf
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SUPERVISOR
AGENT / WIZARD
Thad Bramblewick
OPEN ASSESSMENT ↗
ROSTER 01
AGENT / ROGUE INVESTIGATOR
Tomothy Brightfoot
OPEN ASSESSMENT ↗
ROSTER 02
AGENT / FIELD OPERATIVE
Iven Oldbum
OPEN ASSESSMENT ↗
ROSTER 03
AGENT / MONK
Hobitus Wobbleknees
OPEN ASSESSMENT ↗
ROSTER 04
INTERNAL REVIEW / INVESTIGATOR
Dr. Tansy Goodbarrel
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INVESTIGATOR
AGENT / ASSIGNMENT UNRESOLVED
Tardi Latefoot
OPEN ASSESSMENT ↗
PHOTO MISSING
AGENT / PERSONNEL FILE DISPUTED
Vokkia Gatewood
OPEN ASSESSMENT ↗
ROSTER ?
GOODBARREL / NOTE 000
Initial Assessment
The unit has been assembled. I have requested complete personnel histories and a statement of its operational purpose. I will revise this assessment following the first field report.
FIELD ASSIGNMENT / CASE 001
Brambleton
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ASSIGNED
PHYSICAL EVIDENCE / STRUCTURAL DAMAGE
Destroyed Residence
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FUBAR-001-A
PHYSICAL EVIDENCE / ANIMAL CASUALTY
Deceased Goat
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FUBAR-001-B
PHYSICAL EVIDENCE / ARTIFICER CONSTRUCT
Recovered Scarecrow Construct
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FUBAR-001-C
WITNESS / MUNICIPAL AUTHORITY
Mayor Milo Underbrow
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WITNESS
CASE SUBJECT / DECEASED
Tobin
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MUNICIPAL ORDINANCE / POSTED RULES
The Twenty Rules of Brambleton
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20 RULES
INTERNAL REVIEW / CONTINUED VIABILITY
Field Evaluation 001
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PROVISIONAL
GOODBARREL / FIELD NOTE 001
Case 001 Assessment
MISSION RESULT: SUCCESS OPERATIONAL CONDUCT: UNACCEPTABLE UNIT RECOMMENDATION: CONTINUE PENDING FURTHER OBSERVATION I dislike that all three of these statements are simultaneously true.
FUBAR-002 / CASE FILE
Riverside
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CASE 002
VICTIM / LATER DEFENDANT
Benny Goodbarrel
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PRIMARY MAGICAL EVIDENCE / MISSING
Benny’s Enchanted Mug
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PERPETRATOR / DECEASED
Aiden Honeyborough
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DECEASED
WIZARD / WITNESS
Fladnag
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GOAT / OWNERSHIP DISPUTED
Steven
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MUNICIPAL CODE / 10 POSTED RULES
Riverside Municipal Rules
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10 RULES
GOODBARREL / INCIDENT NOTE
Benny Death Tally
BURNED STRANGLED DROWNED CRUSHED POISONED GOOSE STABBED EIGHT TIMES GOOSE?
INVESTIGATIVE DETOUR
Sausage Mathematics
14 WINDOWS CHECKED Numbers discussed: 131, 24, 16, 14, 12.2, and 9. Final result: three sausages in one window. None in the others. INVESTIGATIVE VALUE: NONE. TIME SPENT: SOMEHOW NOT NONE.
MUG + OWNERSHIP DOCUMENT
Missing Evidence
DOCUMENT MISSING. MUG MISSING. GATEWOOD HAD ACCESS TO BOTH. I do not have sufficient evidence to accuse Agent Gatewood. I am writing that sentence down because apparently I need to remind myself.
INTERVIEW PROCEDURE / IRRELEVANT
The Raised-Hand Situation
ONE HAND: PERMANENTLY RAISED. PROPOSED LOWERING PROTOCOL: IGNORED. SECOND HAND: RAISED AT CASE CLOSE. Relevance to homicide: none. Effect on Agent Wobbleknees: severe.
PROCEDURAL CONTRADICTION
Corpse / Counsel Sequence
Agent Wobbleknees struck Aiden’s corpse repeatedly with Flurry of Blows. He later served as Benny’s legal defender. The defense was successful. Need policy for sentences I should not have to write.
ORDINANCE VIOLATION / DEPARTURE
Correctly Parked Cart
Cart observed correctly parked. Agent Gatewood altered its orientation by approximately forty-five degrees while leaving town. No operational purpose identified.
GOODBARREL / PROGRAM REVIEW
Field Evaluation 002
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ENHANCED OBSERVATION
INTERNAL EVALUATION 001 / NOT A FIELD CASE
Mandatory Get Better at Your Job Day
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INTERNAL 001
INTERNAL REVIEW / PURPOSE
Goodbarrel’s Experimental Question
Remove the external threat. Remove the mystery. Remove civilian complications. Give them controlled exercises in their own headquarters. What remains?
INTERNAL CASUALTIES / EXERCISE 1
Five Dead Employees
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5 FATALITIES
RECOVERED OBJECTS / EXERCISE 1
Office Supply Evidence
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PRIVATE NOTE / PLEASE PRESERVE THIS PAGE
Goodbarrel — Personal Liability Notes
FIVE. Five office employees. In headquarters. During a team-building exercise. I suggested this. They are going to blame me for this. Recommendation was for structured team development. Please preserve this page.
AGENT / BARD / LEGAL ADVOCATE
Merriadoc
OPEN ASSESSMENT ↗
RETAIN
PRIOR OFFICE / TRANSFER BASIS
The Coffee Pot Incident
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GOODBARREL / PRIVATE THOUGHT SPIRAL
Potential Legal Representation?
Merriadoc successfully argued self-defense. Merriadoc understands Greenhollow labor law. He may be the most effective legal advocate currently available. I could ask Merriadoc to represent me. ... No. That would be an extraordinarily bad idea. ... Although... ... No. ... Absolutely not. Keep his personnel file nearby.
HEADQUARTERS / UNAUTHORIZED ANIMAL
Released Animal
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IT / UNWILLING PROCESS OWNER
Bartholomew
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GOODBARREL / FINAL FINDING
Internal Team Evaluation 001
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COMPLETED
THIRD GOAT INCIDENT
Steven — Headquarters Appearance
Steven, previously encountered in Riverside, appeared inside F.U.B.A.R. Headquarters during workplace-safety training, followed Vokkia, and nudged her affectionately while she continued to deny knowing him. THE GOAT IS NOW INSIDE HEADQUARTERS. Still not a pattern. I am becoming less comfortable writing that. There is no goat category. Do not create a goat category.